(BRANDON HANSEN/Washington’s worst columnist)
Last weekend, the iconic Masters tournament gave us a thrilling Tigers Woods’ major victory, the 15th of his career. While we tend to give out more Carhart jackets than green jackets in Chewelah, it’s nevertheless become an outdoor recreation destination for people. Still, our town is weird; we do things a little differently and even Caddyshack might seem a little tame compared to Stevens County golfing. Here is how you can handle the links…
Remember, the trees aren’t targets
I didn’t realize I was such a good shot until the sport of golf came along in my life. I swear my ball can snipe every tree in NE Washington from 150 yards out. If only my aim was as good while hunting. Someone needs to contact Vaagens; we might have a new harvesting technique here.
Get the Rusty Putty regular badge
Do you ever read those articles about how somebody has been to the same diner for like 40 straight years? This is my goal: to be some 70-year old who has been going to the Rusty Putter “since the first Trump administration” and get some kind of plaque or jacket near the twilight years of my life.
Good coffee there too.
Chewelah’s Golf Course still has some of the most unique holes around
You want cool vistas on NE Washington? A downhill drop that would make Batman a little queasy? Ponds? Lake? Elk? Deer? Neighbors who are mad your shots keep hitting their house and that you wave at them everytime you break a window? It’s all here, just up the hill on Sand Canyon.
(Personally I didn’t think their house was THAT nice and its not like I sent the golf ball through their living room window, just the bathroom one.)
Jason Pitt and Josh Olson put up with me
I’m not sure how he handles me going “I want to golf like Tiger Woods but I only want to golf like once a year.”
The Cougars play here
Not the real life predators… hopefully. I mean, there might be some around, but they’re after the drink cart anyways. I mean the Chewelah Cougars of JJSHS. If you ever want an excuse to watch some good golf, head up for the invitational on April 19 when both the boys and girls host their invite.
I haven’t been hit by a golf ball yet
This is a big plus for the golf course in Chewelah. Apparently, many of the golfers here can at least hit the same hole they are on.
While living in Montana, a less than talented golfer nailed me with his drive… as I was on another hole. It felt like the sniper scene from “Saving Private Ryan,” and for a split second I thought I got shot. It left a welt on my body the size of an orange. This is why when football season rolls around, I always root against the Montana Grizzlies.
Don’t feel bad if you’re terrible at golf, I’m worse
Like really bad. I’m worse at golf than I am at bowling. In a Spokane bowling league, I was beaten by an 85-year-old woman who took five minutes to get up to the lane to bowl. I’m worse at golf, if this is any indication.
I’m even worse at driving a golf cart. You know your missing “Golf Carts don’t drive through here” signs? Yeah, sorry about that.