(BRANDON HANSEN/Managing Editor of the Chewelah Independent)
One of the many great exports our county has is government conspiracies. Being a supermarket novel reader myself, I fancy a good conspiracy whether its aliens making the pyramids (they didn’t, ancient civilizations could just do more than we originally thought), buried treasure on Oak Island (how many seasons on TV can they dig on that island) and Hillary Clinton is actually a lizard person (she is not, but she isn’t president, either).
Despite the conspiracy itch I have to scratch every now and then, I think I have to come to grips with the fact that I am a government shill and you should probably know that while reading the newspaper.
I BELIEVE THE EARTH IS ROUND
Call me crazy, but I still believe that our communist socialist schools with their globes of the Earth are probably correct. It might have something to do with the overwhelming scientific knowledge that we live on a planet and not a petri dish, time zones, GPS satellites and the simple fact that the ancient Greek knew the Earth was round.
The conspiracy theory that the globalist agenda wants us to think we’re on a globe so we all… stay in our lane? … is probably a little too much in the way of wishful thinking. I think some politicians would love it if their liabilities found some way to fall off the end of the Earth.
GOVERNMENT DATA IS SOMETHING I HAVE TO RELY ON (BUT NOT CHEESE)
Oh this is the kicker. How do I accurately report on a statistical story if those numbers are from the government, right? Sometimes it’s the only data you get on the topic other than anecdotes. The government has agencies that do wildlife research, space exploration, environmental reports, transportation numbers, crime statistics and the list goes on and on.
But there lies my internal torment trying to report on things when one side has a variety of statistics and the other doesn’t. I whole-heartedly agree that statistics can be shifted around to say what you want, but if one side doesn’t have any research, what does that say?
But I really would welcome anyone to look into how data was collected and what it actually means. It never hurts to ask questions. Maybe I should make a big push to privatize the statistics industry completely.
I DON’T BELIEVE WE’VE BEEN VISITED BY ALIENS
Because if we have, the U.S. government would know about it. President Trump would have access to this classified info and he would have tweeted out something about this by now. This is a bigger disappointment to me than people who were hoping for something from the Mueller Report.
I WAS ON UNEMPLOYMENT ONCE
The journalism industry wasn’t all it was touted as in 2008, so I had to draw off the helping hand of the government. Does this mean I am beholden to them and their agenda?
One thing that does make my ears perk up is hearing all the conspiracy theories from people who are on government assistance. If the government is out to get you, why are you taking help from it? I get the “The government wants you to be dependent on them” argument, but then why are you dependent on them if you’re making that argument? Practice what you preach, conspiracy theorists!
I LIKE THE MOVIE “MEN IN BLACK”
I actually like the idea of men in black suits walking around fixing everything, so my everyday life doesn’t have to be affected. If you want to erase the memory of some gigantic invading bug army from my mind, by all means, please do so. I have enough stress in my life; I don’t need to worry about the Planet of Xuir. Angry phone calls about the election are much more terrifying anyways.
I DONT TRUST YOUTUBE VIDEOS
I’m not sure why every chemtrailer just sends links of YouTube videos. You realize anyone can say anything they want on there? I’ve watched YouTube videos of the history of Middle Earth from Lord of the Rings. Does that mean Trump should put economic sanctions on Sauron? No. So just because a British guy says something is happening with absolutely no proof doesn’t mean the YouTube video is true.
Now if you send me a peer-reviewed scientific paper, I might change my tune.
I LIVE ON-GRID
Oh if the government wanted me dead, all they would have to do is shut off my cell phone. I’d eventually get hit by a car walking around trying to get a signal. I freely give up information to Facebook, Twitter, Xbox Live and many other things. It wouldn’t take much for them to know everything about me.
I have relied on public utilities, drank public water (LACED WITH GOVERNMENT MIND-ALTERING CHEMICALS), attended government schools, driven on government roads and watch “the media.” I am the definition of sheep. If only I had watched more YouTube videos and ignored my obvious government agent kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Hogan, who probably got special training at a CIA camp or something.
I NEED THE GOVERNMENT TO EXIST IN MY CAREER
What would I talk about if there wasn’t a government issue seemingly every week? The weather? We get the weather wrong every week. Sports? Chewelah athletics have been snowed out for four weeks now. Theatre? I can’t act or sing, ask Janet McLaughlin (another government agent teacher). She put me in roles specifically tailored to my William Shatner impressions.
No, I don’t need the government for my monthly income, but by goodness if they weren’t around what would I complain about?
Yep I’m a shill. It’s official.