Since the number of people using Twitter is quite low in Stevens County, I guess I’m going to have to explain things here. Every Tuesday, I’ll try and collect the “highlight reel” of social media happenings from NE Washington. I’m also going to cheat and steal tweets from Lewis County over of the west side of Washington since they’re practically a satellite campus of Eastern Washington.
I’ll post the most entertaining tweets/posts/listings here and then mock them because I am not a nice person.
The other day somebody said that Russell Wilson was bland on Seattle talk radio (Well it was ESPN Seattle radio being broadcasted on a Spokane radio state that isn’t an ESPN affiliate even though Spokane does have an ESPN affiliate station that doesn’t play Seattle ESPN shows – yes this town is weird). I hit the brakes on my car and nearly went off the road. Good thing like three people use the freeway on this side of the state and I escaped totally unscathed.
RUSSELL WILSON BLAND?! Sure the Seahawks’ QB might be a little robotic but the dude pitches bread footballs as one of his major endorsements. He’s dating some pop star that I should know but since I spend all my time watching History Channel documentaries I can’t even remember her name at this time. Wilson once said sparkling water prevents concussions. If they had a reality TV show and Wilson was on it, I guarantee after every show you’d think to yourself “now that is one weird dude.”
Now you want to talk bland, look no further than Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons. They’re like if vanilla ice creams and white bread had a lovechild. Can you tell me the record of the Falcons last year without looking it up? No, no you can’t because you’re not even sure if the Falcons are in the NFC or the AFC or the CFL. Seriously who are their divisional rivals? The LSU Tigers?
QB Matt Ryan is perfect for this team. He’s quite serviceable as a quarterback, I think. I can’t be 100 percent sure because I’ve never looked up his stats because he’s Matt Ryan and he’s out of the playoffs after the first round. Think of one Matt Ryan story you’ve heard.
I don’t know a thing about Matt Ryan. He could be British for all I know, I’ve never heard him say anything in a press conference. Maybe he doesn’t actually play in the league anymore and the Falcons just have a QB with the same number and nobody has bothered to find the name out because nobody cares about the Atlanta Falcons.
See. This is exactly why the Tennessee Titans lost in the Super Bowl. Because of garbage like this.
Anyways, I’ve always wondered just how true some high school football field lines are when the actual field itself changes elevation roughly 11 times between each sideline. Squiggly Magoo here makes me think that you really want to clean the toilet seat off in the RA Long locker room before sitting down for a No. 2 job.
I think I should clarify things. Barn cats are mistakenly referred by some people as feral. This is a rare breed of cat that has negotiated with farmers who are notoriously stingy with paid labor to allow felines to sleep and poop on their property in exchange for keeping the mice problem down. Now, life is tough for these “Fight Club” cats because the farmer could give two cow patties about these barn cats. They’re not getting pretty little cat toys, a nice litter box or fancy feast. NOPE THIS CAT HAS TO WORK FOR A LIVING. And dangers like owl, coyotes and other live animals are the barn cats responsibility. This is why so many barn cats look like the “After” slide of an anti-meth commercial. It’s the most Libertarian thing I have ever seen in the pet ownership world. Now my cat, on the other hand, is overweight, meows when it hasn’t been fed in two hours and will rack up a vet bill today for a shampoo and grooming.
Somebody once asked me “why don’t you like going to Seattle a lot.” I rest my case.
As we all know, a military coup could take place at any time in the United States because it’s not founded on freedom and the military doesn’t have to answer to a civilian government or anything. If you see any sort of military vehicle or aircraft, your initial reaction should be “WELP, the time has come. The US military is finally making their move with the first strategic push being the heavily populated and strategic area known as Northeastern Washington.”
With that, I hope everybody has a great week and don’t forget to pick up the paper on Thursday otherwise I won’t have enough money to buy a tub of fries at Zips.