(BRANDON HANSEN/Managing Editor)
Chewelah’s Got Talent is this weekend, and we will get a full range of acts from across the county that will no doubt impress. Sadly I didn’t get the chance to tryout, because, nobody wants to hear me sing Katy Perry in public again. But it did get me thinking, what inherent talents do the people of Chewelah have just by growing up here? I made a list, because of course I did.
TURNING LEFT ON THE HIGHWAY
Does anyone else turn left on a crowded highway more than us? Colville wimped out and got roundabouts and so did Deer Park. We’re the last bastion of Mad Max drivers who decide to throw our fate into the wind and pull out in front of that semi and hope for the best.
COMPLAINING ABOUT THE POOL
Have we gotten over the pool being torn up yet? I think we could stretch out our complaints for at least another 15 years, combined with perhaps a few T-shirts and marches. It seems like we already have a couple of marches a year in town; why not have one for the pool? When it comes to hot-button topics, nobody does it better than people from Chewelah, including the time-tested phrases:
“Well, this is what I heard… [didn’t actually happen]”
“In my opinion… [lays out completely ridiculous pipe dream that would take Bill Gates to fund]”
“The town has gone to hell! [Said everybody in town since like the 1960s, apparently Chewelah has been going to hell since the LBJ administration] and here is my list of issues that every other small town in America is facing”
MANAGING TO FIT IN A FRIDAY SKI
I’m not sure how you all in town have jobs but still manage to sneak up to the ski hill on Fridays for a snow day. Do you put a dummy in your office chair and hope nobody notices? Do you tell your boss that a relative has passed away every Friday over the winter?
WATCHING THE MOVIE “THE WATERBOY”
I swear everybody in town has seen “The Waterboy” a couple hundred times. Every time someone mentions football, the Waterboy impressions seem to flow out like everybody is an Adam Sandler Jedi or something. I am not sure why a movie about a backwoods Cajun boy who lives with his mom, somehow finding greatness in college football, has such a resonance with this community, but my goodness, just try this: Go to Sporty’s when there are a few people and yell out “You can do it!” and see how many people respond. You’ll be surprised how many people reply in Rob Schneider’s voice.
BEING TWO CARS GOING OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS, PARKED, WITH TWO PEOPLE BS-ING FROM EACH DRIVER’S SEAT
This is what I like to call the “Chewelah Social Network.” Forget MySpace, Twitter and Facebook. You haven’t learned anything about this town unless you’ve blocked traffic somewhere on a road yukking it up with a buddy whose car you recognized coming down the road.
I feel like we’re the Vegas of yard sales. While Vegas has luxury hotels and impressive shows that go into the evening, we have an impressive array of VHS tapes for sale at 50 cents a pop. It’s a rare talent, but we have it.
BEING INCENSED WHEN PEOPLE CAN’T SAY “CHEWELAH”
I know it sounds like a disease you get, but seriously folks, it’s not that tough. Sound the name of the town out. I dare say, Chewelah people along with Gonzaga fans are one and the same when some announcer completely flubs it and calls it “Gon-ZOG-A.” Have you been to state and heard the PA announcer go “Chew-WAAAAA-LAY” and suddenly feel the anger of a thousand suns?
GOING TO THE LAKE
Bad day? Go to the lake. Good day? Time to go to the lake. Feeling groggy? Good swim will fix that. Tax day? Go to the lake. Holiday? Duh, lake. Winter coming? Well there are still a few weeks to fit in some recreation. If going to the lake were a WIAA sport, the Chewelah Cougars would be state champions every year.