(This is satire. Do not for a second take the writer seriously. He does not deserve to be taken seriously.)
As you all know, we talk about only the most serious of issues here in the Chewelah Independent. One of the matters that is important in Stevens County is the nature of wolves.
Wolves have migrated here and found NE Washington to their liking. There is a good chunk of natural prey for them as well as unnatural prey in the grazing cattle of our very own ranchers.
This has created plenty of heated political debates, including the suggestion that they transport the wolves to the western part of the state where there are more people. Representative Joel Kretz has floated the matter a couple of times and I love it. He should suggest that cougars occupy Husky Stadium and bears enjoy the Olympia capital mall as well. I’m not so sure the west side would be thrilled though because who wants to live with wild animals?
First, moving wolves would increase the population of the already crowded west side. Do communities on the western part of the state really need more population when they already outvote us and try to enact crazy things like sugary drink taxes and whatever else pops up in their socialist UW Husky brains (Go Cougs)?
Who gets to move these wolves, too? I don’t know if you’ve ever transported your dog in a car but its like moving a grumpy old man who has to stop a lot to go pee and barks when you have the wrong radio station on. Who wants to drive 4-5 hours with THAT?
Once the wolves get to the big cities of the western part of the state, what then? Even in Spokane, we’ve seen them struggle with a large homeless population. Since wolves are in the business of blowing homes down instead of living in them, I would assume their first matter of business would be checking into a homeless shelter.
If they are lucky, maybe they have some Wolf Bucks saved up and could buy a home. Too bad Seattle home prices are like $250k for an outhouse and half a million dollars for a singlewide with a lawn elf living in the spare room.
So you’d have a bunch of wolves renting apartments. Since the average wolf lifespan is fairly young, you’d have more millenials on the west side, sitting in coffee shops, talking about how the government is bad and how the man is keeping them down. Wolves howl a lot, so can you imagine how annoying they would be on open mic night?
Then there is the matter of indoctrination in liberal cities. No doubt you’ve had a family member come back from college with crazy ideas like communist Cuba is a great vacation spot and that Lenin statue is totally fine. Sending all our NE Washington wolves over there would no doubt expose them to liberal and socialist ideas.
While wolves live in packs now, they tend to enjoy living in remote or rural areas. Throw some socialism in there and they might start camping out on our doorsteps demanding that we have to let them in and feed them. They might also have the nerve to ask that we play fetch with them, give them free healthcare with a trip to the vet and give them a name. Outrageous I say.
And don’t get me started on hipster hairdos. They might look like wolves right now, but drop them off in West Seattle and before you know it, they’ll be back for Thanksgiving with a pink mohawk and a tattoo of Marx.
And if the wolves become Seahawks fans, then all hope is lost. Can you imagine the 100 or so wolves complaining about Russell Wilson’s latest interception or the offensive line’s inability to block? WDFW would have to release wolf reports every week about the online depredations of Russell Wilson’s character by city wolves.
One good thing that could happen is the wolves take on the fad diets that city folk tend to take up. Maybe some would become vegan. Some might even become vegetarians.
(It might be an issue since their teeth are designed for meat – but that’s beside the point!)
But other than that, I see no good from relocating a bunch of wolves to the west side of the state. They would all begin walking around in wolf skinny jeans, talking about their favorite wolf indie pop artist who plays the bongo drums and jazz flute, claiming that eating eggs for breakfast is murder and probably protest President Trumps’ tweets or something.
Plus it rains over there a lot. Have you smelled a wet dog? Nobody needs a wet dog smell to permeate over there. Tacoma smells bad enough.
(BRANDON HANSEN/Managing Editor of the Chewelah Independent)