(BRANDON HANSEN/Managing Editor of the Chewelah Independent)
With the Chewelah City Council once again talking over what to do with parking in town, I would like to spend this space providing some humble opinions on the matter.
You’ve no doubt seen some busy periods in Chewelah where it is tough to find a spot where you want to stop to shop or eat. While a good problem to have, with a large retired population, we want to make sure people are able to park close to their intended destination. So what do we do?
ELON MUSK UNDERGROUND TUNNEL
Musk, who is a gazillionaire, wants to turn L.A. into a city serviced by high speed tunnels for cars where the drivers wouldn’t even drive their own car. Well, why don’t we have underground tunnel parking in Chewelah? Ask Musk for like .00000008 percent of his income to pull it off. If we need to do a trade agreement, allow him to land his Space X rockets in the city park or something.
A PARKING GARAGE
What is Spokane doing with their Parkade these days? Surely it’s getting up there in years and they’re looking to upgrade. Perhaps they could bring the Parkade up here and we could all hang out at the parking garage. Imagine all the skateboarding that could happen in the garage. Better yet, imagine all the rollerblading that could be done! Fives of people would be interested! Fives!
We have a wolf problem. We have a parking problem. Combine the two. Wolf valets. Instead of going after cattle, the wolves can park our cars. Bonus points if they wear cute little fez hats and hold their paws out for tips.
MAKE RICKSHAWS GREAT AGAIN
Why don’t we have a dedicated rickshaw service in town? I mean we barely have Uber, so why not just get a few people who need jobs to run a rickshaw around the place? Why? Because rickshaws are awesome and you can’t change my mind.
BIG TRUCKS THAT CAN HOLD CARS IN THEIR BED
Let’s just double up in parking spots, this shouldn’t be too tough.
STAGGER THE HOURS OF BUSINESSES
Let’s just have two shifts of downtown businesses. Some can be open at night and some can be open during the day. Then Chewelah becomes the Stevens County city that never sleeps. We already have the casino, why don’t we just go all in? We also need bright blinking lights everywhere that shine directly into Councilman John May’s bedroom window (for fun, of course), street performers and possibly a hot dog vendor. In fact, why isn’t there a hot dog vendor already? I would eat there like three times a day.
EVERYBODY JUST GET BIKES
Let’s just go full on Europe. Everybody ride bikes. Talk about how much they love socialism. Eat crepes. It’s the only way we’re going to solve this parking problem.
GET A MONORAIL
Only if we get a musical number at the city council chambers by StageTime Theatre about the advantages of a monorail. Remember the monorail song from the TV show The Simpsons? Yes that is the song I’m talking about.