(BRANDON HANSEN/Managing Editor of the Chewelah Independent)
With all this talk about not enforcing the gun control initiative from county sheriffs across the state, the Stevens County Commissioners signing a resolution about not wanting to encroach on the second amendment, Tim Eyman apparently stealing office chairs and our very own prosecutor going toe-to-toe against the WDFW in his weekly columns, it got me thinking about what laws we could and couldn’t enforce.
In a perfect world, and by that I mean a world in which I am the supreme ruler (The Great Ginger! they would call me), I think I would demand the following…
INITIATIVES THE NEED TO BE PASSED
A law requiring people to return grocery carts to the return chutes
Have you seen the Colville Walmart during the holidays? If shopping carts were cattle, the wolves would have gotten them by now. They’re spread near and far, and you have to drive around them like you’re playing Mario Kart but in real life. Don’t get me started on the mini shopping carts either. Just because they’re small doesn’t mean you should leave them in the fire lane. Perhaps we could start building the wall with all the unreturned shopping carts?
Outlawing memes on Facebook
Sorry, Thomas Jefferson did not say “You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take” because basketball was not around in the 1700s. Unless, of course, he’s talking about shooting the British. Then he’s right. But that’s beside the point, Michael Scott said this, not Thomas Jefferson. Stop spreading fake stuff on the internet. Also people don’t even type out their own thoughts anymore, they just share a 1,000-word meme and think they’re being smart or something. No people, outer space is not a hoax from the US Government.
Outlaw talking in the theatre during the movie
Get out. Now. And, if you have a baby, get out before things even start.
Outlaw wearing too much cologne or perfume
We don’t need the air quality index to read “Smells like Bod body spray”
Change all of Seattle’s sports teams to “Northwest”
Since the vast majority of hippie liberals in Seattle are too busy planting their avocado farms, they’re probably not interested in sports anyway. Let’s change it to the Northwest Seahawks and the Northwest Sounders, since those teams represent Washington, Idaho, Oregon and yes, Montana. I met more Seajawls fans in Montana than I did in SW Washington. You have the Carolina Panthers and the New England Patriots, come on… let’s see our pro sports teams represent our entire region. (Except for the Mariners, Seattle can keep them.)
LAWS THAT SHERIFF MANKE SHOULDN’T ENFORCE
Ripping the tags off of mattresses
Totally unenforceable if you ask me, and while we’re talking about liberty, can’t a man tear off a mattress tag in his own home in peace? Maybe the terrorists have already won…
The 60 mile per hour speed limit on Highway 395
Because everybody on Highway 395 goes 60? Come on, in Montana there are roads more windier than Flowery Trail and the Montana Highway Patrol is like “Ah, well keep it under 80 and you’ll be good.”
Meanwhile, Highway 395 is straighter than an arrow. Let’s turn it into the autobahn! Sure, we might need to add in some turn lanes and expand it out with passing lanes – but everybody feels the pain of our highway when they’re stuck behind Chuck whose garbage is piled up in the back like Beverly Hillbillies while he’s going 40 down the road.
Tossing people as a form of bar entertainment
While a story came out about the Washington State legislature trying to ban dwarf tossing, which I understand could be something both humiliating and insulting to little people, I hope that Sheriff Manke can find it in his heart to at least allow us to keep tossing people as a normal form of a bar entertainment.
I think during the winter, we could toss people into snowbanks and see who makes the biggest hole. Not to mention the possibility of having an amateur wrestling circuit perform at one of our area bars. They’re tossing people all the time!
LAWS THE SHERIFF SHOULD ENFORCE
A reality TV show ban in Stevens County
Can Sheriff Manke make us a sanctuary county when it comes to reality TV shows? You know “Housewives of Stevens County” is coming to A&E here sometime soon where one wife will start fighting after someone insults the other wife’s use of forest camo after Labor Day. I mean, maybe we could have another mountain man in Stevens County reality TV show, but this time show him shopping at Safeway for his supper. You know, reality.
The cancelling of Daylight Savings Time
The State of Washington is considering doing away with this. I think Mr. Manke should be a trendsetter … or perhaps the commissioners can do this and just kill Daylight Saving Time in Stevens County. Then I’ll have an excuse for being an hour late for a meeting in Spokane.
Outlawing man buns
Please, Sheriff, make this happen.
On a completely unrelated note, I have to share this story I heard from my grandpa this Sunday. While at church we were standing next to each other not singing. “I don’t know the words to the song” I said, “I just don’t like to sing,” he answered. He then told me a story about when he used to milk his cows at a dairy, he had a radio that would play western music that seemed to calm the cows during milking. One day the radio broke, and instead of replacing it, my grandpa knew all the words to the western songs so he figured he could just sing to the cows. So he sang and sang to the cows. Then the dairyman came by to pick up the milk and said “hey you’re a third short this week in milk!”
Grandpa said he bought a radio and had it sitting in the milking room that night.