Well, well, well. It’s the time of year in the state of Washington where the better side of the state (the east side of the state in case you’re still confused) gets to show up all those coasties on the west side of Washington. These are the same people that root for the Washington Huskies (they probably cheated during the Apple Cup) and enjoy sitting in traffic. One particular state championship game of note this year is the 2B state title game between Napavine and Liberty.
Since most people here on the east side are unsure as to where Napavine – an obvious suburb of Seattle – is, we figured that we’d take a look at the town. Since this is an article being written by somebody from Chewelah with no connection or experience with the town of Napavine whatsoever, we’re going to have to do some deep digging to figure out what this place is all about.
WHERE IS NAPAVINE?
I don’t know. What the heck is a Napavine? Probably some type of weed they smoke over there on those side of the mountains. It’s all the coast anyways. It probably has a beach and some high-rise condos. Here’s what the map says…
I’m sure since it is on the coast its some kind of liberal stronghold that hates the east side of Washington. I mean look at this billboard in Napavine…
YEP! As liberal as they come. I wouldn’t be surprised if the people in Napavine wake up, go to their local Starbucks (oh wait the town of under 2,000 does have a Starbucks? How quaint), opens up their copy of the New York Times and the Centralia Comical and decide what thing to protest about that day.
WHAT IS NAPAVINE LIKE?
Well take a gander at the “Welcome” sign they put up in front of this obvious west-side metropolis.
WHOAH, WHOAH, WHOAH. A mini mall? What kind of silver spoon are these Napavine football players living with? There’s an Inland Market and ACE Hardware? That’s about the yuppiest thing I’ve ever heard. And a Rebekah Hall? A REBEKAH HALL. That’s where all the hipsters hang out in Napavine.
According to Wikipedia which is totally always accurate, people began living in Napavine in 1850s. Lame. Most towns in Eastern Washington weren’t a town until like 1950 and we still had covered wagons then. Napavine from the Indian word “Napavoon” meaning “small prairie.” There is totally a joke about Adna somewhere in there, but I’m way too lazy to connect the dots. Napavine is also very, very, very liberal. I mean look at these results from the town in the 2004 election…
George W. Bush (Republican) – 457 (92.54%)
John Kerry (Democrat) – 167 (6.51%)
THEY PRACTICALLY HANDED JOHN KERRY THE ELECTION!
Also take a look at Napavine High School. I mean look at this place. It practically says old money…
WHAT IS NAPAVINE?
A liberal hippie paradise.
WHAT IS NIGHTLIFE IN NAPAVINE LIKE?
It’s crazy. Look at Frosty’s. You practically expect Drake and Kanye to show up and start a free show for everybody…
WHAT’S THEIR MASCOT?
Oh the Tigers. Yeah we actually have Tigers over here on the east side as opposed to you ninnies on the east side. Instead of tigers, they’re called cougars. Get a load of these beasts…
Does Napavine have cougars? Nope, except for the ones that hang out on Frosty’s on a Saturday night. So Napavine doesn’t even have large cats that live in their area, yet they call themselves the Tigers. Sad.
WHERE HAVE WE SEEN NAPAVINE BEFORE?
They’ve been in the state championship game like ten years in a row, and before that, nearby Portland suburb Morton-White Pass was also in the state championship game for like twenty years in a row. They apparently have some sort of football program that is mildly good at the game of football.
WHO IS NAPAVINE’S COACH?
Some guy called Josh Fay. I don’t know much about him since I’m not a westside guy, but apparently after yet another unimpressive Napavine football practice, he goes back to his obvious Seattle hi-rise (Adna farm), sips mixed drinks (ginger ale and water) and watches his favorite TV show over the Chromecast (which is probably gamefilm).
HOW GOOD IS NAPAVINE FOOTBALL?
Oh, I dunno. They have this quarterback named Wyatt Stanley who is really good at every single sport he takes on. He throws a football better than Uncle Rico. He can post up or shoot a three with the best of them in 2B basketball and we think he’s alright at baseball too, apparently Napavine has won some baseball games or something. I don’t know. Since the state brackets are obviously fixed to favor west side teams, I would just assume that Napavine coasts it way to the state title game and in no way played a classic matchup against fellow 2B power Toledo.
WHO IS FAMOUS FROM NAPAVINE?
Oh the list is quite long…
So there you have it, folks. The “fine” town of Napavine.