(By Brandon Hansen/Managing Editor of the Chewelah Independent)
School is about to start here in Chewelah! Since I used to be a student in the Chewelah School District system, I want to tell all our students some tricks of the trade to navigating your school years.
GET THE WORLD’S MOST ANNOYING ALARM TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
Having gotten up at 7:45 for an 8:15 start time to school and then sleeping through first period, I realize this isn’t a great system for efficiency. So I recommend getting a really annoying alarm and waking yourself up at 7 a.m. Sounds could include:
-Justin Bieber songs
-People complaining about millennials
-The noon whistle in town that makes me think the Russians are invading
-The old dial up internet sound (nobody school-age will get this joke)
-Get a neighbor that’s a logger. He’ll wake you up at 4 a.m. every morning starting his diesel pickup. For even earlier starts, get a trucker as a neighbor and enjoy the 2:30 a.m. starts of a Cummins engine!
TREAT YOURSELF AT THE BUS STOP
It may look like there is no rain in sight, but don’t worry. As soon as you have to stand out for ten minutes and wait for the bus to come, mother nature will bring a plethora of rains storms your direction. Get mom or dad to build you a rain shelter. Paint it Seahawks colors and put “NO SALESPEOPLE ALLOWED” on it. Your parents will thank you later.
PAY ATTENTION TO ANY CLASS DEALING WITH NUMBERS
*Looks at bank account statement*
Mr. Culverwell, I think I finally get what your accounting class was all about
*Tell self to stop buying used Xbox games*
MAKE PROPER EATING CHOICES
What fueled my four years of high school? Going down to the school store and buying a roll of Chewy Sprees candy every single lunch period. This resulted in my friends thinking I didn’t actually eat anything except for Sprees. This habit continued on into college where I added energy drinks and Chewy Sprees to my late night newspaper layout sessions. It ended when I thought I was having a heart attack from drinking too many energy drinks and realizing Cheney didn’t have a hospital.
So please, just get an apple instead.
ALWAYS GET HOT LUNCH WHEN THERE’S CHEESE ZOMBIES ON THE MENU
Because Cheese Zombies are the best and the school district should offer this for sale to the public along with their Mac and Cheese. (Disclaimer: I’m going off what the school food tasted like 17 years ago).
PARENTS: DON’T USE THE GESS ELEMENTARY DRINKING FOUNTAINS
Unless you want to throw your back out leaning over to get water from a fountain obviously designed for a Leprechaun.
DON’T GO ACROSS THE ROAD TO SMOKE
Is smoker’s corner outside the high school still a thing? With the previously mentioned rain, and the fact that temperatures drop to nothing after November, do you really need to walk across to the ironically named “Chewelah Industrial Park” to smoke? Just eat Chewy Sprees and drink energy drinks instead.
DON’T DO THE CHAIN ON THE WALLET THING
I really hope this isn’t a trend anymore. Every now and then you still see someone with the chain on their wallet and wonder “did I just travel back in time to 1996? Quick, turn on the radio and see if Celine Dion is on.”
GET SOME SLEEP
You know why everyone above the age of 30 is grouchy? It’s because they couldn’t get to sleep last night because of heartburn/bum back/bum knee/snoring/worrying about chemtrails/stayed up watching Game of Thrones … don’t be like people over 30. You’ll have your whole life to complain about not getting enough sleep, just get seven to eight hours in a night and you won’t feel like a member of “The Walking Dead” everyday.
So there you have it. Good luck to everybody on a great school year!