By Brandon Hansen/ Brandon is the managing editor of the Chewelah Independent
A tragedy happened on Monday, I actually had to warm my car up in the driveway for like… 15 minutes.
If that doesn’t signal the beginning of winter, I don’t know what does. We’re in for shoveling snow, telling our kids they can’t go to school in shorts and watching people in 4x4s drive off the road because four-wheel drive doesn’t mean four-wheel stopping.
As one usually does in the face of adversity, people change habits and daily routines to overcome their environmental issues. Here’s a handy dandy guide to survive winter in Chewelah.
DON’T GO OUTSIDE
Pro-Tip: Many people who say they love winter don’t actually go outside. They just sit at their window with a cup of coffee, reading a book and laughing at the poor sap that just fell on the sidewalk. To prevent cabin fever from happening, which is similar to the way Seahawks fans act when their team loses a Super Bowl, keep an inside exercise routine, maybe some stationary biking or weight lifting.
That releases some happy chemicals in your brain naturally so you don’t start writing Facebook posts like you’re Edgar Allen Poe.
Bold. I know. But we do have a mountain resort like 15 minutes out of town. Pick up a winter sport like skiing or snowboarding or sitting in the ski lodge bar and watching people ski and snowboard.
There’s always the ol’ Stevens County pastime of “Sledding with things other than sleds.” These could include an old car hood, a cafeteria tray or a sibling. Snowball fights are also a good way to expend energy in the winter – as made evident by my niece who waited for .0000004 inches of snow to fall before declaring war against me.
GO TO ONE OF THE 4,372 CHRISTMAS EVENTS IN CHEWELAH THIS YEAR
Boy, Chewelah likes Christmas or something. It’s what, Dec. 8 and I’ve been to like five or six Christmas events. Everybody’s house is magically sprouting Christmas lights to make the city utilities department more money and I’ve already had too many holiday treats. You people don’t slow down do you? Everybody in Chewelah turns into Keith Richards but instead of hard rock and bad habits, it’s egg nog and Christmas music.
GET IN A CHRISTMAS DECORATION CONTEST WITH YOUR NEIGHBORS
You don’t want to be “that” house do you? You know the house you drive by with no lights on. Might as well just put a grinch sign outside. Instead buy enough lights to be seen from Mars and make it the perfect landing beacon for planes headed to the airport at Sand Canyon. You wouldn’t dare be shown up by your neighbor, right?
REMEMBER THE MARINERS’ NEXT LOSING SEASON IS JUST MONTHS AWAY
Rest in peace until you hear “Spring Training” and then realize Seattle doesn’t have a full pitching staff.
KIDS, START YOUR OWN SNOW SHOVELING BUSINESS
The worst back pain of my life was suffered in Montana trying to shovel snow. To be fair, it was to get to my DISH to scrape off the snow. Yep, I had to shovel my way just to get to the DISH. This is why you don’t live in Montana. Kids of Chewelah, first thank yourself that you don’t live in Montana (the Montana Grizzlies being a particular horrendous football team anyways) and immediately start your own snow shovel business. With plenty of people having walkways that need clearing and backs worse than mine, you’ll make a killing.
MAKE A SNOWMAN
Got a snowman picture? Send a photo to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll run it!
So there you have it. Let’s have a heck of a winter here in NE Washington. Godspeed and Merry Christmas!