(By Brandon Hansen/Chewelah Independent)
What are the 2Bs like? Oh we’re going to have a lot of fun…
So Chewelah is going 2B. Rumors have already begun circulating through town that perhaps the world was ending. The Cougars may be no more. Chewelah is signing Jon Gruden as the new assistant football coach. Chewelah tracksters will be running the 400 in wheat fields.
Fear not, all it will change is the teams Chewelah is playing and where we will be driving. The 2B classification is for schools between about 80-207 kids, so it fits much better with our town’s rural profile. Having covered this classification for many years, I can tell you this might be the most fun to have with high school sports. The higher you go up in the classification, the more specialized the athletes are and the more wins are decided by who has a program and who doesn’t.
But we have to get over the whole “being afraid of change” thing in Chewelah. I mean, goodness, we just got high speed internet THIS YEAR. Elon Musk is sending Tesla cars into space and people in Chewelah are debating on getting rid of their landlines.
Stil, I understand the apprehension… what are these other small towns? What should we expect? Don’t worry I’ve constructed the Poor Man’s Guide to the 2B classification.
IT’S KIND OF LIKE CHEERS WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU NAME
I know you’re still sitting in your home looking at that photo of Colville athletics, remembering the good times when Chewelah and Colville parents got mad at each other from across the gym. Fear not, as we will have some familiar Stevens County teams in our league in Kettle Falls and Springdale.
Since Chewelah and Springdale will be drawing from the same middle schools at Valley School District… THAT WON’T GET DRAMATIC AT ALL. I can imagine Chewelah coaches now watching Valley sporting events and promising an 8th grader that we have a lunchroom with a pop machine or something.
Don’t forget Kettle Falls to our north, which is my second favorite town in Stevens County behind Chewelah. Is there a cooler town? Thole town had to move because the Grand Coulee Dam flooded it. It has a brewery. It has former Chewelah coach Loren Finley at the helm – he’s a good guy and expect about a half dozen “hey there’s former Chewelah coach Loren Finley!” tweets during every Chewelah-Kettle Falls game. It has a bottleneck gym that will get LOUD. Like Chewelah North and South, there’s a Kettle Falls West and then East (across the river) so we can compare notes on satellite town parts.
Oh and the grouch. Don’t forget the town grouch! If you’ll remember Kettle Falls has a sign welcoming you saying it has a population of 1,550 and one grouch. We need to take advantage of this and call the Kettle Falls-Chewelah football game the Grouch Bowl and have the town-elected grouch be the master of ceremonies. Have the grumpy cat face be the trophy or something. THIS IS MARKETING GOLD, DON’T MISS THIS GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY CHEWELAH AND KETTLE FALLS.
GOOD LUCK FINDING PARKING AT EVENTS
Since everyone drives a pickup in this classification and ends up double-parking, GOOD LUCK trying to find a spot in random B school’s small parking lot. You thought Colville-Chewelah was bad when somebody with a snowmobile in the back blocked the one exit out of the parking lot? LOL… now expect a combine to be in your way.
WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO START USING TWITTER
I’m sorry Chewelah, I know we have this infatuation with Facebook where we can call people hipster liberal communists or rancher militia fascists over a news story about Chewelah garbage rates, but we’re going to have to advance with the times.
Welcome to this social media app called Twitter.
A lot of 2B coaches are on here, as well as athletes. Why? Because you try and find the score to the West SmallTown Palousa Grain Elevator-West Side Truck Stop with a Loves/Arby’s Combo basketball game. Basically finding 2B scores consists of newspaper reporters desperately asking “Have you seen the random small school score?” and having some dad respond “When I left it was 10-10.”
Also on 2B Twitter – 2B athletes saying they could defeat playoff 2A schools in their county. 2B parents saying inappropriate things and then saying “I thought this was America.” 2B parents also getting upset at newspaper reporters making playful jabs at the idea that all the towns in this classification are indeed, small.
WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO START FOLLOWING THE CHRONICLE
Say hello to the Centralia/Chehalis Chronicle. Why should a small town like Chewelah care about what’s going on in a floodplain on the west side? Plenty, as the bulk of Central 2B League squads reside in Lewis County and they regularly produce the best sports teams for the classifications in the state. So if we want to get a good idea of what the Cougars will be facing in the postseason (if they make it), we’re going to have to do some advanced scouting. So get used to this guy…
Sports Editor Aaron Van Tuyl (@ChronAVT for you Twitter Peeps) – He likes to make hot takes about crappy 90s pop bands, talk about haying season and remind people that he once ran into a UW quarterback in an Idaho supermarket.
And this guy…
Sports Reporter Jordan Nailon (@ChronNailon) – Put the guns down NE Washington militia people, don’t worry Jordan is one of you guys. He enjoys pig farming, writing long 3,000-word stories on clam digging and also coaches baseball. Weird combo, yes, but the man’s whimsical take on sports will be much needed when we’re trying to get into the mind of whatever Central 2B coach is running man-to-man against the Cougars in the state tournament.
And this guy…
Sports Reporter Matt Baide (@ChronMatt) – See that lifeless look behind his eyes? That’s just because he put down a lot of money down on the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Matt apparently has a gambling problem and a video game addiction, so he’d fit right in at the Chewelah Casino.
Sure they’re a bunch of hippy, liberal costal elites who will prattle on about the OC TV show from 10 years ago (We get it, EDGY CW DRAMA IS YOUR THING), the various amount of farm animals they’re raising to unleash on the summer baseball team they coach and whatever awesome Xbox one game they’re playing once they get off work.
Chewelah people better get used to towns like Napavine, Morton-White Pass, Adna and Toledo (NOT OHIO), because they’ll be the ones we’ll have to pry the state trophies from. I mean look at these towns we might have to play…
(Winlock – yeah, their claim to fame is a big egg)
(Cathlamet – WHAT IS THIS? RIVERBOATTOWN,USA?! Where is Huck Finn)
(Davenport – I’m pretty sure this is where Doc Holiday got shot)
(Liberty – Look at this vibrant metropolis of a town)
(Side note: Adna isn’t really a town. It’s a gas station with a post office)
(Second Side note: If you see Chewelah playing Toutle Lake. Don’t be fooled. It’s neither a Lake nor a Toutle. Toutle Lake doesn’t exist. It’s a myth pushed by the school district. No town or lake by that name exists.)
CHEWELAH WILL RUN INTO THE G.O.A.T. FROM PEIN-LYNCH GYM
Jeremy Landram, who has roughly 9,201 records hanging on the wall of Pein-Lynch Gym is in the 2Bs. Is he playing? No, although he could probably just put on a wig and pretend to be a new 15-year-old point guard from Mossyrock, but he’s actually coaching the Napavine girls basketball team and has been a regular at the Spokane Arena. If for some reason Chewelah ends up playing Napavine, expect everybody over the age of 40 in Chewelah to hear Landram is coaching the opposing team and they’ll wax poetically about the way he played basketball, how it was a purer form of basketball and about how the kids these days don’t know what high school athletics are all about.
You can ignore them. I give you permission.
LETS BE THOSE FANS
Chewelah parents, start bringing cowbells to sporting events. Lets be those fans. And then we can all flood the Ritzville diner on the way back home and fluster the two waiters they have on duty.
DONT EVER MAKE FUN OF LIBERTY
Unless you want the angry eyes of like a couple dozen people from that town and 100s of angry internet comments, DO NOT MAKE FUN OF LIBERTY. My former boss wrote a column about how Liberty was a small town in Eastern Washington and you would have thought he told all the townspeople they’re part of ISIS. It offended them so much for him to call their town small, that an insurance company felt the need to write a story about how their school kids are “hard working” and “it’s a great place to live” and post it on the internet. Not the town’s newspaper, mind you, AN INSURANCE COMPANY. I know you Chewelah parents like to troll a few of the other towns in the league but for the love of all things holy, you do not want some insurance salesman writing us an angry column or something.
So there you have it folks, also be sure to pick up The Independent today to read all about Chewelah’s transition to the 2B classification.