(By Brandon Hansen/Brandon is the managing editor of the Chewelah Independent)
This weekend we celebrate Mother’s Day.
No doubt I will be calling Akers like a desperate soldier trying to call in an airstrike but instead getting a flower basket for my mom. “Do you have this? Package it up now!” And no doubt Safeway will be full of men on Friday scratching their head trying to pick out Mother’s Day cards.
And it’s all worth it, trust me folks.
If you’re like me, you’re under the impression that your mother is a Super Hero.
Why? Well, I understand what a fuss-ball I am and raising me must have been something more complicated than changing out the engine in a skidder.
I feel like writing to Marvel or DC Comics, telling them they need a superhero mom with these powers.
Striking fear in the depths of a child’s soul by saying their full name sternly
Do you still shudder as a grown adult when somebody says your full name? I had this happen at the DMV and I hid under my seat. As a kid, there were two things that were absolutely terrifying: the end scene of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when everybody’s head exploded and when my mom said, “Brandon Wayne Hansen.” Even as a young kid I realized that meant I was about to receive full retribution of whatever household law was broken.
Eyes in the back of their heads
Seriously… how did moms know we were up to no good? I swear they can see through walls or around corners. Sometimes when caught I would just stand still hoping that moms vision works like a T-rex from Jurassic Park —if I didn’t move she couldn’t see me — but somehow I still always got caught.
“Oh relatives are coming up? But the house is the mess” … followed by a flurry of cleaning that I’m pretty sure could have made Chernobyl liveable and quite pleasant.
Magical healing powers
Amazing how despite falling down, running into something or scraping up a knee, mom always had magic-like skills to heal your injuries. Mom was a combat medic for your childhood.
Incredible driving skills
How do you discipline a toddler and a seven-year-old all while staying in your lane? I have no idea. I try to take a sip of coffee in my car and I almost run off the road. Meanwhile Mom could quell a riot in the back seat and not break pace on Highway 395.
I’m pretty sure my parents spanked me like a handful of times, but you know what? My mom had me in line like somebody brainwashed from North Korea when it came to the fear of a spanking. If the threat of a spanking via wooden spoon came up, I would immediately break out in song about our family’s great leader, go out and mow the lawn, hang some photos of the family’s great leader in the house and then subtly tell my mom that my sister was defecting to South Korea.
An incredible memory
This basically stands for anyone about the age of 40 in this county. How the heck do you know everybody in town, their relatives, what they did 30 years ago and what they’re up to now? It’s my job to know what is going on in this town and I don’t know .00003% of what somebody’s grandma knows about Chewelah.
Remember, your mom changed your diapers. If you don’t have kids yet, you’ll never truly understand. Your mom was basically your long-term care provider for 18 years. She probably cleaned up your mess time and time again. Nowadays that service would cost thousands of dollars and require Medicaid. Your mom did that for free.
Incredible listening powers
I don’t know how my mom put up with me all those years. I’m literally the weirdest human being on Earth and she always goes “That’s nice, honey” or “Tell me more.” You know what I talk about? Well let’s use my YouTube video history: The history of the A1 Abrams tank, the biggest lies about British history, a documentary on Frederick the Great, a video of US troops tossing rocks in a can in Afghanistan, a documentary on Napoleon Bonaparte and a video on why Britian lost the American Revolution. I’m surprised my mom hasn’t just reported me to the authorities already.
So when Mother’s Day rolls around wish your mom a happy day! They deserve it.
So this one goes out to you Susan Hansen… Happy Mother’s Day!