(By Brandon Hansen/Managing Editor of the Chewelah Independent)
The Spokesman-Review has recently published a front-page story exploring what would happen if a nuclear bomb hit with a graphic of a mushroom cloud over the Lilac City.
Everybody jumped on the newspaper, saying they were fear-mongering and making everybody freak out over something very improbable.
Now it feels a little bit more plausible after North Korea announced it’s tested a hyrdogen bomb, but the idea that Spokane would be on their targets list is still a bit far-fetched.
In journalism school, we were told always to consider “what good does this article do for the public?” and posting a big front page photo of a mushroom cloud over Spokane seems more Hollywood than Pulitzer material.
Still, since I have no standards and go for laughs more than I should, I’m going to present the biggest disasters that could hit Chewelah.
Look where we are located. If the Sasquatch shows on TV tell us anything truthful, we’re in prime ‘squatch territory. Can you imagine if they ever got hungry and noticed there’s a big town at the bottom of the Valley? I hope HICO stocked up on Slim Jims and Beef Sticks so we could appease our Bigfoot overlords.
Sorry, I had to. The idea of North Korean military leaders trying to pronounce Chewelah is too funny to ignore. Could they even find it on a map?
CANADA GETS MAD
Same with the Sasquatch invasion but instead of big hairy dudes, we have Canadians named Chad invading us and wanting us to play Hockey and watch Anitque Roadshow on Canadian Broadcasting Channel No. 1
THE SEAHAWKS DON’T MAKE THE PLAYOFFS
Of all the disasters to hit this area, having no reason to watch the NFL on Sunday would be the absolute worse. How many burnt Russell Wilson jerseys would we see? We might have to have a smoke advisory in the middle on January because of it.
SPORTY’S RUNS OUT OF FOOD
Might have to call in FEMA if I can’t have some of that great Sporty’s Food. Would there be riots? Chances are everyone would flock to Safeway for the hot wings bar, causing a line at the cash register that would snake back to the middle school.
Oh we already have that. It’s called May.
Oh we had that too. I’m beginning to see why they called this Fool’s Prairie.
A WOLF DECIDES TO RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE
See, I’m the kind of guy that doesn’t trust these wolves. They seem a bit dodgy. Imagine if next year Chester P. Wolf tries to run for office. How many phone calls are the Chewelah PD going to get reporting a wolf in a suit going door to door asking them to vote?
QUARTZITE IS ACTUALLY A VOLCANO
Okay, who watched the movie “Dante’s Peak” in the 1990s and thought this was actually plausible? The scene where lava burns its way through a wood cabin – like the house I grew up in – is permanently burned into my psyche. I don’t sleep next to walls just in case a sneaky volcano pops up on me. Anyways thanks for making me look at Quartzite suspiciously for much of my preteen years, Hollywood. I still don’t trust that mountain.
ANOTHER ECLIPSE HAPPENS
How many people looked up at the sun on eclipse day? Be honest. When I saw that photo of Trump looking at the sun, I was like “I DID THE SAME THING, WHOOPSIE” but I’m not worth billions of dollars nor am I the president.
THE MONSTERS FROM TREMORS SHOW UP
Remember the Kevin Bacon movie featuring large man-eating worms? It was set in an isolated town that you could kinda imagine Chewelah being. It’s even complete with a scene of two people using a wall full of guns to kill one of the monsters. I could see this definitely happening in Chewelah.