(EDITOR’S NOTE: Please read this column with a heavy dose of sarcasm)
I love wildlife documentaries, so this week I have decided to write about a safari of a reclusive bunch known as “City Folk.”
You know the type, the kind of people that drive BMWs through Stevens County as if they don’t need a suspension to handle all the pot holes. Enjoy that trip to Oil Can Henry’s you fools!
So let us take a look at these odd, latte-drinking, iPhone-using, modern-day Bohemians.
The common west-coast Washington city folk like to wear clothes that they naturally assume aren’t going to be covered in barn yard animal excrement. They wear their North Face jackets because it rains occasionally in Seattle. They put on their skinny jeans with more holes than Sears’ business plan. Instead of a worn out hat of the company you work for, they put on these preposterous throwback Mariners ballcaps. You still like the Mariners? We’ve already moved on to rooting for who is going to win one of the History Channel’s “dude lives out in the wilderness by himself” reality TV shows. Because we’re outdoorsy here. I’m on “Team Crazy Man No. 8 Who Just Killed An Otter.”
Instead of riding a horse, herding cattle, fixing a tractor or getting dirty, the “City Folk” are much akin to hobbits as they can be found behind doors, usually sipping coffee in what some like to call “coffee shops” or they frequent establishments that are open past 9 p.m. on a Wednesday night. I’m basing my complete knowledge on city people from watching seasons of “Friends.”
• Playing weird music that isn’t on 92.9 FM. Shocking, yes I know.
•Complaining about how their internet can only uplink with the International Space Station, constantly update their phone with Justin Bieber news, download the Library of Congress and allow them to blow up things on Xbox live while they listen to music on Spotify. (Trust me, life is way simpler with country internet and it’s “if you’re watching Netflix, you’d better not try to get on Twitter” bandwidth shortcomings.)
• Still listens to Macklemore.
• Gets mad when there are only three vegan restaurants in a block radius instead of four. At least we have Subway here in Chewelah. That’s vegan right?
• Complains about Trump. (We get this by now. You don’t like Trump. I heard you the first 800 times on your Facebook feed.)
• Compliments Trump. (Wait, there are Republicans in cities? Well tickle me Libertarian! It’s almost like there’s diverse populations of people in cities. But please, after your first 800 compliments of Trump on your Facebook Feed, I don’t think he’s giving you a cabinet position.)
• Wonders what cows do when they’re not eating hay. (True story, someone from the city actually worried if cows got bored. Lets not break their hearts and tell them what cats do during the day.)
NUMBERS OF CITY FOLK
Here is the kicker, 80 percent of Americans live in cities. So when we say “City Folk” we’re basically referencing most of Americans.
And it seems these days we have a big chasm between “City Folk” and “Country Folk” and it’s only getting bigger. Turn on talk radio or TV news.
As a person trying to grasp the happenings of the world and have a view on society, generalizing oh, 258 million people, isn’t going to get you far.
On the other side of the coin, seemingly every Seattle media piece treats us like a bunch of country bumpkins out here in eastern Washington and that doesn’t do particularly well to explain actual issues and solve problems.
As you’ve probably picked up in this article right now, it’s impossible to generalize large swaths of the population. You can’t do it. So stop using the one experience you had meeting somebody at a Nickleback concert. As much as we like to make fun of “City Folk” out here, they’re probably doing the same about “Country Folk.”
No wonder there’s been a proposal to split the state in two, because it seems like it’s too easy to lump everyone into a category rather than treat them as a person.