(By Brandon Hansen/Brandon in the managing editor of the Chewelah Independent)
The Taste of Chewelah is upon us! Chewelah officially enters the “foodie/hipster/we belong on Instagram” zone as Thursday’s event will allow everybody to sample many local tastes, check out local art and listen to local musicians.
But please keep in mind that despite Taste of Chewelah only lasting one day, there are a lot of awesome things you can eat around town to keep you wining and dining well after this week’s event.
CARAMEL M&M’S AT HICO
Hico doesn’t mess around. After a request from one slightly chubby ginger with a sweet tooth about how they needed to have Caramel M&M’s in the store, the next shipment day a big pallet of the things came by. Caramel M&M’s aren’t your grandpa’s M&M’s either. Along with Oreos and potato chips, I’m really enjoying this new trend of companies taking regular products and giving them a different flavor. This beats the heck out of regular M&M’s. That’s probably why everybody looks so grumpy in old black-and-white photos, all they had was regular M&M’s, which are boring.
Can someone please explain to me why church potlucks and breakfasts after Mass are so delicious? It could be some pre-packaged donuts with some Folgers coffee and it still tastes awesome. Maybe it’s just good to get salvation with some scrambled eggs? They must use the same process as making Holy Water on the Sunday Church Food because when it comes to Sundays, the people of Chewelah are certainly not wandering the desert and eating manna from the sky.
BBQ THAT DOESN’T TAKE TWO HOURS TO GET GOING
With Sety’s busting out the Traegger’s for sale, Chewelah doesn’t have to wait forever to get the ol’ BBQ briquettes going. But if you’re the patient type, you can swing by my place because I specialize in making people wait several hours while cooking three burgers on my world’s slowest BBQ.
(However, if you still like using Briquettes, you’re in luck that we’re in “over-engineered Stevens County” where it’s probably easier to find somebody that will loan you their propane torch, napalm or flamethrower to get things cooking quickly than it is to find a Starbucks.)
ANYTHING AT CHATAQUA
I need an elephant ear, which is Chataqua-speak for “fattening.” Do the people of Chewelah eat any better than when Chataqua comes into town? When you were 10 years old, you went down to the park it was for all the rides (the Graviton literally made the town go round). Now well into middle-age people go down to see what kind of food they can sample without getting indigestion.
“Deep fried deep fry? I’m in.”
“I know this polish dog is a foot long, but is it long enough?”
“Better check my blood sugar after eating this garbage-bag-sized ball of cotton candy!”
“Vegetables on my vat of noodles? No offense, but I’m watching my weight.”
REALLY ANYTHING FROM THE BREAD BOX
I’m embarrassed to say how quickly I can down an entire sleeve of Molasses Cookies from the Bread Box.
Oh you thought we were going to leave out the Oasis Burger because we’ve mentioned the Oasis Burger in at least nine other columns in the last year and a half? Nope think again. Oasis Burgers are awesome. And throw in a Rainier tall boy for the full NE Washington effect!
EVERYTHING FARMERS MARKET
Have you noticed coworkers disappearing more often on Fridays for extended periods of time. Yeah they’re sneaking down to the park to eat a Buffalo Burger, a rice bowl, some homemade nuts, the aforementioned Bread Box sleeve of cookies and Ulga’s Eastern European fried and baked goodness. You know how Chewelah could win a league title in football this year? If the entire Farmers Market food vendor group lined up on the visiting sideline and sold their stuff to the opposing players. Distraction? Yes. Perfectly legal by WIAA standards? Also yes.
(You’re reading an article written by a guy who ate Newport hotdogs — Griz Dogs? — while sitting on the bench on the Chewelah sideline wondering where he left his helmet.)
So enjoy the Taste of Chewelah this week (and Tums on the next day)!
We’d like to run a bit of a disclaimer on Letters to the Editor. We do not write the Letters to the Editor ourselves hence why they are called “Letters to the Editor.” It’s a novel concept I know. We’d also like to remind people that you will find different opinions on the opinion page and that they are different from the rest of the newspaper. Everyone that is calling us and yelling at us because we ran a Letter to the Editor that you disagree with accomplishes little. We weren’t the people that wrote it — perhaps go talk to them or write your own Letter to the Editor. In the fairness of being a community newspaper we will run many different opinions – popular or unpopular – as long as they don’t violate basic rules of civility and sanity. We’d also like to point out that if everybody calls in if they disagree with a Letter to the Editor, our phones will be ringing off the hook and we don’t want to upset the delicate balance of the internet on Chewelah’s limited phone lines.
With that being said however, I do have one rather unpopular opinion – Lebron James is better than Michael Jordan! (Braces for inevitable angry phone call)