(By Brandon Hansen/Managing Editor of the Chewelah Independent)
This Friday we pull back the curtain to show the community of Chewelah its brand new shiny track and field. The town passed a $1.1 million levy in 2016 to pay for these much-needed renovations.
How many people remember running on that dirt track? During the spring it was like they were trying to prepare us for the steeple chase by just having the far side of the field flooded. I think an episode of Gunsmoke was filmed on it.
Anyways, while Snyder Field looks great, I’m all for adding some more ridiculous modern amenities for the people of Chewelah to enjoy. Sure we’d have to pass a lot more levies, but bear with me now.
A SKIDDER BY THE ENDZONE
The Tampa Bay Bucaneers have a pirate ship that fires off its cannons everytime QB Jameis Winston doesn’t throw an interception, so why can’t Chewelah have something unique like that? My idea would be a skidder that fires up and blows out black diesel smoke everytime the Cougars score. Then it could pull a drag of logs over to the visitor’s second obscuring their view. If the Cougars scored multiple times, the visiting team couldn’t see over the deck of logs and then they’d have to pay one of the many loggers and log truckers in town to haul off the logs. See, school spirit and economy. We think of everything at The Independent.
Eastern Washington University has an ROTC artillery cannon, that scares the beegees out of me everytime the Eags score. And have you seen how many times EWU scores? I’m surprised I haven’t had my fourth heart attack yet. Anyways, why couldn’t Chewelah have a cannon, but not some surplus cannon from the Army. Let’s let some ingenious Stevens County residents put together their own cannon. It would either (a) be so massive it could be heard from Spokane or (b) the world’s largest potato gun that would bounce McDonalds fries off the face of Quartzite.
Anyways, Snyder Field needs a cannon
STADIUM WI-FI AND A SNYDER FIELD APP
The Snyder Field App would tell you what the temperature would be after halftime. It never fails at a Cougar football game, the temperature always drops to roughly the dark side of the moon after halftime. Kickoff could be at 7 p.m. with 70 degree weather and by the third quarter people look like extras in the water from the movie “Titanic.”
The Snyder Field App could tell you what acceptable insults could be yelled at the opposing team without crossing a line. My favorite has always been “Deer Park isn’t a real park!”
The Snyder Field App could also have face recognition technology so you could tell who that one person that said hello to you was that you vaguely remember but have no clue who they are. Actually this should be used in Chewelah at all times. Who hasn’t been in that awkward situation? The only person that doesn’t seem to care is my Mom. If she doesn’t recognize somebody she’ll say “seriously I have no idea who you are, please tell me your name…”
And that’s the point I have to tell my mom that my name is Brandon.
Who doesn’t want a 40×40 jumbotron screen we can see replays of plays to better tell refs they’re doing a terrible job?
“Hey I know you get paid like 40 bucks to do this game but I would just like to remember that you made that split-second decision and I disagree with it!”
The Snyder Field Retractable Roof could be a possibility. Lets just buy the crane thingy at Vaagens, place it next to the field and put roughly a thousand back yard umbrellas on the thing.
AN ACTUAL LIVE COUGAR MASCOT
In a cage of course. Preferably tranquillized. Actually maybe we could just get a house cat.
Either way, I hope Snyder Field and other school facilities continue to receive improvements. You either maintain or improve things, or they fall apart.