(BRANDON HANSEN/Eastside Commentor is a satirical column written by the state’s worst columnist who just so happens to be the managing editor of the Chewelah Independent. Again, this is satire, this isn’t intended to be serious)
Seattle and Spokane are dead, according to the media, is Stevens County next?
With KOMO’s groundbreaking one-hour documentary on the homeless and drug problem on the west side called “Seattle is Dying” everyone has been up in arms about how apparently society is crashing into one big homeless camp. Having watched my fair share of Mad Max films which has prepared me for the question “are we in the Apocalypse or not?” I think I should be able to determine if we’re seeing the death of everything.
First, is Seattle actually dead?
First, I didn’t realize that the Space Needle had a foundation like that. They’d better fix it in a hurry because if the big West Coast earthquake hits, those people dining at the five-star restaurant on the top of the Needle will be screwed. After extensive research of Seattle and by that I mean living an hour and a half south in Centralia for three years, I have observed the following things that tell me Seattle is dead…
1. The Mariners are terrible. How can we have society if the Mariners are in the basement of the AL West and haven’t made the playoffs since the Nixon Administration?
2. Man buns are everywhere. Please, make it stop. Let’s bus all the man buns to Montana.
3. People think being rural in Seattle is wearing North Face jackets. HAHAHA. No sillies. Not being able to afford North Face Jackets is being rural.
4. Socialism is everywhere. Ask anyone in Stevens County. It’s like 1920 Russia over there. I swore I saw Lenin walking around Seattle one day asking for money to write his manifesto.
5. Grays Anatomy is still on the air. If anything is causing the slow demise of Seattle, it’s all the people that die in their hospital. Do they save anyone? Or if I go into that hospital with a hangnail do I die by the 20-minute mark of the episode from a stroke? Do these doctors know anything?
So yeah just write off Seattle on the map. If you want to take a sharpie and cross it out, that works too. DEAD. D.E.A.D. Nevermind the millions of people that live there. We’ve written it off. Complete wasteland. Nobody is living there anymore according to KOMO. Strangely enough KOMO is located in Seattle. Is it a ZOMBIE TV STATION?
Now lets move closer to home…
Is Spokane dead?
Having lived near or around Spokane for several years, I can tell you where the best place is to have a steak (At the Sportsman Tavern near the North South Freeway roundabouts). I can also tell you if the Lilac City is more like the Deathbloom City. AMIRITE?!
Why is Spokane dying?
1. The Zags lost. Mark Few only got his team to the Elite Eight? That’s like… in the top ten for the country. Shouldn’t the Zags be like in the Elite Eight for the galaxy or something? I don’t want to hear anyone defend Mark Few until the Bulldogs are beating teams from Mars. With Gonzaga dropping out of the tournament early, let’s just be honest… Spokane is dead when the Zags lose.
2. Arena football no longer exists in Spokane. Remember when Spokane was the national champion of arena football? Of course you don’t because I’m pretty sure I’m the one person who followed arena football when Spokane had a team. But with the loss of its football team, what does Spokane have left? Hockey? PFFFTTTT. Spokane isn’t Canada.
3. North South Freeway still isn’t done. When did they start that thing? 1776? Did the founding fathers plan this thing out in the Constitution and we’ve just never got around to finishing it? We’ve put two roundabouts in Deer Park, making it a European City complete with people selling crepes but do you think we could get a Freeway exit and four lanes to Colville? No of course not. Sad.
4. The most popular show filmed in Spokane is about the zombie apocalypse. Fitting, actually if you’ve been through Spokane.
5. Spokane gives anyone from Stevens County a nice boost in blood pressure when trying to drive through. If Spokane hasn’t already killed you, Joe Bob driving a Honda hatchback and thinking stoplights are more like stop-suggestions will.
Now lets talk about Stevens County… is our delightful little NE Washington county dying? I mean it is the last bastion of freedom in the state. A county where people can own their guns without fear of the socialists and guys can put the American flag in the back of their pickup and drive around town to remind everyone how patriotic they are. But… is it going to die?
(Side note: Of course it will. The sun is going to get so hot and big, Earth will be burnt to a crisp. This will happen in a billion years or so, but it still will happen. Better stock up on that “SUN DESTROYS THE EARTH” insurance)
Here are some warning signs that Stevens County is dying…
1. Bigfoot had to move in with a family. Even the mythical creatures in Stevens County are having a hard time. I think its because the wolves moved in and drank all their milk. I mean look at this…
My goodness… Sasquatch used to be something! He used to stand for something. Now he’s just going to end up sitting on the couch, collecting disability and watching Maury Povich like the rest of Stevens County.
2. Even the state separatist movements inside the state are having a hard time. Come on guys! If we’re going to become the bread basket of the new state of Liberty, we need to have a little bit bigger turnout than this in Olympia for our protests.
I get it, driving over Snoqualmie Pass is a bit of a pain in the butt and who wants to hang out in Olympia? It’s like asking people to hang out in Stalingrad. But lets at least make these protests look a little more lively. Perhaps a few people making balloon animals? Maybe some street performers juggling things? I might even suggest one of those used car lot balloon wavy arm creature things.
3. There is still snow in places. How can we live our lives if there is snow in April? This isn’t the Arctic Circle. If it snows again, I think people might just move to California and welcome the socialist tide with open arms.
4. The Stevens County courthouse is kind of a dramatic place. I’m not sure if we’re going to get Special Prosecutor Mueller in here so I can run fourty weeks of “WHAT IS IN THE STEVENS COUNTY MUELLER REPORT” but it appears things are quite dramatic right now what with drama with Stevens County judges, the whole commissioner homelessness fund thingy, the jail situation where we’re playing clown car with convicts, public officials refusing to enforce the gun control initiative and many more things I probably don’t even know about. I just wish everyone up at the courthouse had Twitter so we could have presidential-like meltdowns everyday where people called each other low energy, sad and fake news.
5. There is still only one Starbucks in Stevens County. And it’s in the Colville Safeway. This makes it all the tougher to go to one and complain about how their holiday cups hate Christmas.
We might be in trouble folks. The only suggestions I can make is you should all get on Facebook and make broad sweeping statements with how you can stop Stevens County from dying. Since it is Facebook, I would discourage you from doing any research and post your comments almost entirely in memes. It’s the only way we can be sure we’re doing it right.