Eastside Commentor: Where is the love for the Portland Trailblazers in Spokane? Probably in Portland.
(This is a satire column, the writer of this column is the worst columnist in the state of Washington. Please do not take him seriously, and please do not sue him, Mike Prager.)
Eastside Commentor rants about sports, politics and bombs…
The Spokesman-Review’s Mike Prager, sports columnist extraordinaire, had a column today about how the “Portland Trailblazers deserve more respect from Spokane’s NBA fans.”
Ah yes! A city that is 351 miles away has an NBA team. WE SHOULD FOLLOW THAT TEAM FAITHFULLY. Why stop there? Salt Lake City is just 721 miles away. Might as well drive on down and root on the Jazz since one of their legends is actually Spokane native John Stockton. What’s Vancouver, BC doing these days? Why aren’t there more Canuck fans in Spokane?
Saying that Spokane sports fans should be faithful to Portland sports teams is like saying North Carolina should follow New York sports teams or Pennsylvania cities should follow Boston teams. WHY NOT? THEY’RE ONLY SEVERAL HOURS AWAY.
Prager, who by all accounts is an accomplished writer and not a ranter like myself, opens up with a wistful take on Rip City becoming the name of Portland because of the basketball ripping through the basket’s net sound …. OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME… I DON’T CARE, GO ZAGS…
“But the sound has barely made a ripple in Spokane where people could give a rip about the only National Basketball Association franchise north of California and west of the Rockies even though Portland is less than a six-hour drive away.”
(Where there was two, until Stern decided to screw over Seattle)
Less than a six hour drive away?! Boy howdy that’s a hop, skip and a jump away. By that metric, Spokane should really begin rooting on the Montana Grizzlies football team in Missoula more. Oh perhaps Montana junior hockey? Why stop there, why aren’t Spokane fans rooting on Boise teams more? Dare Prager suggest the Lilac City begins supporting the Tri-City Americans?
Prager then goes into a long history of the Blazers’ history – you know Bill Walton doing a lot of pot, them winning the 1977 NBA title back in a time when the league had their championship series aired on tape-delay. There’s more history to it, but I really don’t care about the Blazers because I grew up in the Spokane area.
“It’s been nine years now since the Sonics became the Oklahoma City Thunder, a team that has no doubt fewer fans in Spokane than the Blazers.”
Um yeah. Why would Spokane fans become Oklahoma City Thunder fans?
Prager then compares the Blazers’ run to the NBA finals in 1990 and 1992 to the Gonzaga NCAA run this year. Because, why not?
In the end it’s a weird question to ask people. Why isn’t your city supporting another city’s sports team? It’s one thing when Spokane fans cheer on the Seahawks or Mariners because it’s the only state’s NFL and MLB teams. Cheering on a city’s NBA team from another state is an entirely different monster in it’s own.
The NBA, like the MLB, is incredibly regional when it comes to fandom. If you live near an NBA city and are a sports fan, you probably follow the NBA – kind of like how Spokane has a vested interest in Canadian junior hockey because of the Chiefs. This changes, however, when you don’t have a team or your state’s team was ripped away because Clay Bennett is basically Emperor Palpatine.
Following an NBA team through an 82-game season is exhausting too. I mean we’re only a week into the Mariners season and we’re already exhausted.
Sorry Mike, I don’t think Spokane will be rooting for Portland anytime soon.
Five John Stocktons
The Mother of All Bombs – In an effort to make big boomy noises, the US once again showed that it loves war by dropping the gigantic GBU-43/B Massive Ordinance Air Blast bomb on ISIS in Afghanistan. It’s the biggest non-nuclear bomb in the US military’s arsenal and it apparently killed 36 fighters.
As with everything these days, everybody freaked out online and suddenly because a weapons ordinance expert. This also happened on the same day that the US accidentally bombed its allies in Syria, so there is that.
People incorrectly stated on Twitter that it cost us about $314 million to drop the bomb, basically because everybody hates Trump and has to come up with a way to criticize him. In fact, there are 20 MOABS, so the actual cost of dropping it was probably around $16 million. Does that make things really any better? That 16 million is essentially how much Stevens County spends in a year. But that’s still a drop in the bucket for defense spending. We throw money around like a rapper at a night club when it comes to warfare. Just don’t show us the credit card statement the day after.
Personally, it’s just to send a message. The cruise missiles in Syria. The carrier group in North Korea. The MOAB dropping in Afghanistan. These aren’t outright invasions or acts of beginning a war, just a showcase of strength against enemies. Is this a mistake? Well, you’d have to see into the future of how complex world politics works out to figure that one out. I’m going to guess that the normal person on Twitter has no clue or proper information to make that deduction. Me on the other hand? I totally know everything.
Four John Stocktons
Schools in Texas forcing students to do muslim prayers – The internet is great isn’t it? This tweet went viral allegedly showing that “American middle schools were forcing kids to do Muslim prayers” I’m so glad Twitter accounts with profile pics of Trump in a military uniform are keeping us up to date with the big Muslim conspiracy that it taking over the country.
What Mr. CuckPatroller didn’t reveal is that these were actually tornado drills. But hey, who cares about facts? I certainly don’t. It’s obvious that teachers these days wake up in the morning and figure out ways they can convert kids to Allah. It’s not like these teachers and administrators are also Christian Americans like… what 80 percent of the country? Also, Mr. Cuck, a slight issue with your untruthful claims is Muslims pray in the same direction – towards Mecca – which is obviously not happening here.
What would the end game be for schools making their kids do Muslim prayer? Zero. No End Game. There is no point. Kids hate doing anything in school. These bigger story here would be they actually managed kids to do things together instead of skipping out on math homework.
Three John Stocktons
Spokane County Democrats – The Inlander recently posted a story about how the Attorney General is investigating the Spokane County Democrats and their executive director has resigned. Funny thing about politics, you should probably keep honest books when it comes to campaign money, otherwise people tend to get upset. This story comes a day after a WSU student, who is now running for Congress against Cathy McMorris Rodgers (LOL) took potshots at fellow Democrat candidate City Council Member Ben Stuckart in a Moscow-Pullman Daily News Article.
24-year old Matthew Sutherland, who thinks getting the college vote is the key to defeating Rodgers in a deep-red district, complained that his request to debate Stuckart was denied. This is probably because it’s 2017 and not 2018 – you know an election year and Stuckart probably doesn’t want to debate a college student with know actual political chops.
“Well then he should stop asking for endorsements until 2018,” Sutherland said.
Stop sniveling Sutherland. You’re complaining about an elected official not wanting to debate a college student. Wellp, congrats on your re-election Cathy McMorris Rodgers!
Two John Stocktons
Bulldozers in Spokane – Apparently a miscommunication, mistake and mishap led to contract work on the South Hill that wasn’t actually approved. Ooopsie Daisy. A bulldozer illegally plowed a road on High Drive Bluff. If you’ve been to the South Hill, you know there isn’t a lot of room so a new road without approval is kind of a big deal especially one in a parkish area. Slap a new road somewhere and people begin to notice. Here is the Spokesman story.
One John Stockton
Pot farm near Deer Park – The Stevens County Commissioners have been dragged into a controversy of a new proposed pot farm near Deer Park (I’m assuming it must somehow deal with Stevens County land). The problem comes from the person proposing the farm – Grant Bulski – is also working for the Washington Liquor and Cannabis Board. That presents a BIT of a government conflict of interest.
In a community meeting that probably resembled Parks and Rec, Stevens County Commissioner Wes McCart, who is probably thinking to himself how he keeps getting into these situations where people yell at him for things he didn’t do, said that if an employee of the Liquor and Cannabis Board is proposing the farm than that is “a conflict of interest – absolutely.”
Poor Wes always has to point out the obvious and will have to do cleanup on isle nine with this stuff. How did it get this far in the process in the first place? What’s next? The WSDOT director opening his own private highway? The County Commissioners opening a courthouse espresso stand (actually please do this Wes)? The Chewelah water director opening up a water bottle plant? WHEN WILL IT STOP!
Stupid Tweet of the Day…
PHO is average? It’s a big bowl of soup with beef flanks, noodles, spices and much more. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE. I swear if you have a cold and you eat Pho, you’re magically cured. If you’re hungry, you’ll eat 1/4 a bowl of Pho and you’ll be stuffed. Apparently Mr. KIERAN, hates soup. That’s all I can come up with. He probably had a traumatic experience with like Clam Chowder as a kid and has held it against Pho ever since. It has beef flanks, what else do you want?!