Chewelah takes on Newport tonight in a battle of NEA League teams. The Cougars have a very good chance of starting the year 3-0 if they can down the Grizzlies at home. It’s also homecoming so expect halftime to go like four hours long. Here’s our Grid Picks for the week, and I’ll explain my terrible picks.
Chewelah 18, Newport 17
I’ve seen a few bears in my life (actually, I’ve just seen one bear while biking home from Browns Lake as a kid. I screamed and ran the other direction). Chewelah’s Conner Krouse reminds me of a bear crashing into the backfield, bringing down any ball carrier in the vicinity and then toying with his food like he’s saving it for winter. I feel like a British guy should start narrating each Krouse sack like a National Geographic show.
Chewelah’s win over Riverside impressed me for two reasons, (1) the Rams weren’t Bridgeport and (2) the Rams were also much bigger in size than the Cougars. Coach Hogan is playing to the team strengths and trying to avoid the rest. One of the most impressive plays of the night was like an eight-yard run by QB Elan Krausz. He was short of the first down but he was pressured in the backfield and then proceeded to run roughly 60 yards all over the field for those eight yards. Basically it’s like when you’re on Madden and you’re playing as Michael Vick.
(Oh wait, kids these days aren’t playing as Michael Vick? Ummmm Russell Wilson? Teddy Bridg… oh wait, nevermind… WHO IS AN EXTREMELY MOBILE SUPERHUMAN QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL I CAN COMPARE KRAUSZ?)
Oh I forgot the third thing that impressed me about the Cougars on Friday. Geno knew about Krausz’s chin injury like two minutes after it happens. It helps being related to the QB and all, but Geno’s sideline reporting rating in Madden would be like 100.
Colville 30, Deer Park 14
Oh look its the matchup of some of the two biggest schools in the league. Deer Park looked like world beaters defeating 3A Rogers in Week 1 but got brought down to earth with a Week 2 loss to St. Maries. Colville lost last week to 2A West Valley and comes into this week ranked in the AP Football polls. So basically nothing is decidedly standing out between these two teams. Statesman publisher Chris Cowbrough says these two always play a close game, so let’s just hope it doesn’t come down to Ryan Tannehill with the ball with 31 seconds left for somebody.
Freeman 32, at Medical Lake 7
You think I’m going to pick against the Scotties against a winless opponent? Believe me you, I know all about the fine town of Freeman and it’s high school too. I dated a girl from Freeman in college. Our first date was going to a Freeman basketball game. I’m not joking this is what these people in this town do for fun, they bring their dates to Scotty games. It’s like Hickory from “Hoosiers” just found a spot south of Spokane and decided to call it good.
Lakeside 32, Riverside 10
Ah the ol’ battle of the ‘sides. I can’t tell you how hard it is to keep track of these two teams and to keep them separate when they have half the same name and they play in the same league. Why don’t we switch Chewelah’s name to Quartside, Colville’s name to Walmartside, Newport to Idahoside, Medical Lake to Cheneyside and Deer Park to Spokaneside.
This is what happens when you have no originality with your high school names! What kills me is Riverside is in Chattaroy. That has to be the coolest NE Washington town name besides Chewelah (seriously listening to people try and pronounce it is like watching a perverted version of American Idol). Why couldn’t they have been Chattaroy Choo Choos, or like the Chattaroy Charlie Chaplains or something. Missed opportunities. Lakeside could have gone with like the Nine Mile Miners or the Nine Mile Better Than Eminems or something.
Nope. Lakeside and Riverside. Ho hum.
Anyways Riverside fumbles the ball a lot because their players hold the ball like a hot cup of tea. That will prove problematic against Lakeside.
Wellpinit 44, Northport 23
Ah now we’re getting into the 3 p.m. games of Friday! Wellpinit scored two special teams touchdowns in their first game of the season. When I visited Wellpinit for practice, they were implementing their special teams sets for what I think was the first time. Meaning they scored a variety of special teams touchdowns after one practice. I shudder to think what coach Clark Pauls can do with even more time working with his speedy players. Coach Pauls also had a running back collect over 200 yards rushing, which has to make you turn your head a little.
I mean if we were playing Northeast 1B Fantasy Football, he’d be the kid to get. I’d also load up on the Wellpinit special teams and maybe a WR of theirs or two. Now I suddenly have an urge to get someone to design a high school fantasy football app for NE Washington.
Springdale 44, Kettle Falls 23
What could we call this? The battle of the Colville Valley? The Battle of 395? There has to be some sort of rivalry name we could use here since this is a matchup of 2B teams. Did you think that 2B teams just hung out in Palouse towns with grain elevators? No! We have a few that hang out here.
Hunters 24, Entiat 22
Hunters had to face the defending state champion last week so they really got dropped into the frying pan fast. Speaking of frying pan, the Hunter concession stand has two main items: Nachos and Hot Dogs. This is a concession stand I can get behind. They don’t clutter their menu with garlic fries and sushi, they give you the bare essentials for barely any money. If you’re at a Hunters game, buy the entire menu. I dare you.
Inchelium 40, Pateros 2
Since some of the teams playing Inchelium are scheduling 6 p.m. this makes me think their stadium has lights. It’s a moot point this week because they’re at Pateros, but Pateros doesn’t have a win so I’m going with the Hornets.
UNI 42, EWU 40
I’ve picked against EWU for the second week in a row? Well yes their non-conference scheduling is ridiculous and is tougher than Washington’s non-conference schedule. The Huskies played Idaho last week, which like a marginal Big Sky team at best and they’re playing Portland State this week, a Big Sky team that always finishes with like 6-7 wins.
EWU defeated a Pac-12 team, went to overtime with the five-time defending FCS national champion and is now playing perennial playoff power University of Northern Iowa. UNI has always defeated EWU, and I kid you know I have seen in person at least three of those games where the Panthers have won.
Cooper Kupp is also injured. They should have defeated North Dakota State last week if their kicker could make a field goal. Cooper Kupp is injured. Why don’t the Eagles ever have a defense? Cooper Kupp is injured.
SOMEBODY PLEASE PASS ME MY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION.
WSU 69, Idaho 0
Oh I know WSU’s defense looks like a Stephen Hawkins’ drawing, but am I really going to pick Idaho? I feel like the Idaho Vandals are some mob front for money laundering and not an actual Div. I program. Like you know when you see a sketchy Chinese restaurant in a sketchy part of town and you never see anybody go inside and get food? This is Idaho football. There’s no reason they should be in business except to hide the fact that they’re probably leaving people at the bottom of lakes with concrete shoes or something.
Washington 32, Portland State 7
The Husky hype train stops at another station. This time around its an FCS team that’s claim to fame is that Jerry Glanville once coached them. It’s going to be hilarious to watch this Washington train when it hits Pac-12 play and they play actual football teams.
Seattle 12. LA Rams 7
Have the Seahawks signed Charlie Whitehurst? Apparently Russell Wilson’s ankle has made an amazing recovery which makes me think one thing.
Russell Wilson has to be a vampire. Dude is stiff, talks funny in interviews and have we seen anything about his ex-wife? He’s also married a very attractive singer and hocks Levi jeans. If that doesn’t scream vampire, I don’t know what does.
Oh, and the Rams are not good.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man. Washington Redskins fans are the best. It must be fun to be this delusional.